Dealing with Pain and Dating

What I went in to see my Doctor for was intermittent pain in my right leg. The concern was that it was because of blood clots. Dr Shelly thought it was probably a pinched nerve but we were going to check for clots to be safe. I think she was right. I think it is a pinched nerve or something else and we just coincidentally found a clot.  The pain seems to have become constant on some level.  It is not always intense but it's there. I can deal with it.  It seems the worst when I'm driving. Something about how I hold my right foot sets off pain in my foot or ankle and then my thigh and then my lower back. If I'm able to put the car in cruise control, it's better. If I'm in stop and go, it's hell. Several people have suggested its sciatica and it could well be. I just know I hurt ... a lot!  And I expect that it won't be quick, easy and cheap to fix.

So it wasn't easy to drive from downtown Seattle to Issaquah at rush hour on a Friday to see the woman I've been dating. We've been mostly just friends, maybe special friends and there may have been some benefits to the relationship.  We were going to go to a woman's perty, I thought together.  I was wrong. She was already in Seattle and had plans for getting home. I had thought I was her only way in to the party and back. Because of the pain and if were just me, I would have skipped the party.  Which is what I'm going to do now. I am not a happy camper.  Not happy at all.

As for dating and finding the right partner?  I've been deciding to stop looking for her. It's a very difficult thing for me to follow through on. I've always found my self-worth in a relationship with a woman. But I've decided I need to find more balance in my life. I need to explore who I am as a woman beyond being a mom, especially now that My Girls are growing up and are more and more living their own lives and needing me less.  I need to find my self-worth dating a new woman who has been there all along. I'm going to start dating, courting me.

I've got new blood clots

Now what do I do?

After a really long and really thorough ultrasound on my right leg, it seems there are new blood clots behind my right knee (the popliteal vein). This is a sort of "No Man's Land" for deep vein thrombosis (DVTs). Below the knee the doctors aren't worried about a clot breaking off and causing mischief elsewhere in the body. Above the knee we start blood thinning treatment to reduce the chance of a clot breaking loose and getting lodged in the heart (heart attack ), the brain (stroke) or the lung (pulmonary embolism or PE). Two and a half years ago I had a "significant" PE in each lung and one PE not so significant. My friends at the hospital were amazed I was alive let alone ambulatory. I was otherwise fine except for climbing stairs when I would get short of breath.

But behind the knee, neither above nor below, we aren't so sure of the next step. There is a risk with clots behind the knee, but is it significant enough to warrant blood thinning therapy? Because the current standard for blood thinning therapy is Warfarin (sometimes called Coumadin) and has significant problems to consider on it's own. Warfarin is difficult to regulate and needs frequent monitoring (trips to the Doctor's office $$). And another use for Warfarin is as a rat poison.

Where we seem to be in my case is "wait and see." In another week, we will do an ultrasound again to try to determine if the new blood clot is "stable" or if it is still growing. If it is stable, we will increase my current dose of aspirin from 1-325mg tablets daily to 2-325mg tablets daily. If it isn't stable but growing ... we will probably start Coumadin therapy. I really don't want to do that.

There is one small (??) up side to being on Coumadin. If I'm already on Coumadin, I could again consider taking estrogen.


- Shannon Tucker
"It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are."
e. e. cummings

So it seems I have some kind of clotting going on

So it seems I have some kind of clotting going on. Whether it is old clots or new ones, they don't Know aright now.  They need to find and compare some old scans.  I am currently waiting to see my doctor. They may have found something new behind my knee. I am scared. I really cannot afford this. But I am more afraid to face this by myself. It makes me know how vulnerable and fragile my life is.  I have my Second Daughter to fall back on for emotional and moral support.  But she has her own life and challenges.

What I'll probably do is put a brave Face on things and just keep on Keeping On. I am a survivor. I always get by.

Apartment Hunting

I have been in my current apartment for more than 2-1/2 years -- the longest I've lived in one place as a single person. It's a nice little apartment; it fits my puppy, Xena, and me really well. When I came out this was the place I moved to. The location is really good; easy access to the freeway and shopping.

But my life has evolved with new activities and new friends. I am now spending $350-$400 a month driving to the Eastside to see my Second Daughter and other friends. So I am looking for a new place to live, hopefully between Redmond and Issaquah.

I have to be a little smarter about what I'm looking for. The apartment must have a washer/dryer hookup and must have a bathroom bigger than a postage stamp. A nice kitchen with lots of cupboard space and electrical outlets is something else I'm looking for.

I know I'm going to spend more money for anything I find and I will probably eat up the savings in gas with the new rent. But a perq of the new place will be much less time in the car and more time with my friends.

- Shannon Tucker
"It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are."
e. e. cummings

Location:132nd St SW,Everett,United States

I'm a Lucky Woman

The weekend had been painful; mostly self-inflicted. The therapy session had been helpful, but I managed to turn it into another tool of self-torture.

I walked in to her place, gave her a hug and a kiss onna cheek like I always do. And like always, I started to pull away. But she didn't let go of the hug. If anything she held me closer, held me tighter. Surprised, I sank further into her arms and started to choke up. I started to have those little pre-sobs. Somehow, for no good reason I could think of, I managed not to cry. Eventually [much too soon] we broke the embrace and moved on to more mundane things.

When the [too short] evening was over, we started our good byes. Another hug and a kiss onna cheek like we do. And again, she doesn't let me break off. She holds me tight. And again I start to cry on her shoulder. When we finally let go, I said, "I am a lucky woman!"

And she replied, "So am I!"

I love my daughter and will forever thank Poppa for her warm, loving presence in my life.

Wanting to be Wanted

So … at my therapy session yesterday we talked about the years of being a woman in her prime that I gave up for my First Daughter and Son, that they might have as close to a "normal" childhood or, at least, a childhood that they didn't have to deal with their father the transsexual.

And what did I give up?

I was in better health in those days and it is reasonable to think that my transition would have been different. Perhaps I could have had hormone replacement therapy I wasn't diabetic then and wouldn't have had other health issues that would have held up my GCS.

I gave up a dynamic and powerful time in a woman's life; a time of being attractive, desirable and vibrant. I would not have been beautiful or glamorous, but much more attractive; someone who would have caught the eye of somebody who wanted to know me better.

I know I am a catch. I am not hard to look at for a woman of nearly 60. I am a sweet, sensitive, caring and kind person. I have a nurturing and empathetic spirit.

At 60, a woman with my qualities makes a great … Mom or Gramma.

I have a card on my door that asks, "How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?" My answer has been 36 and sometimes 43. And because I haven't been living my true self very long, the middle 30's isn't an unreasonable description of my spiritual and emotional age. The women I hang out with most of the time are in their 30's. Women in their 30's are who I am attracted to. But these wonderful people, that I love dearly, don't see me as a peer. They see me as a middle-aged Mom. A mom they love and cherish and respect, but a mom. Or an older sister-type of person.

The women, attracted to women, more my age see me as a woman and respect me as a friend, but when it comes to dating? They see me still as a man.

It would seem that the people I want to date either see me as a mom or as a man.

My dating pool resembles a mud puddle in the Arizona sun.

What I Did For Love ...

I visit my Second Daughter on Monday's. Tonight, she made a simple salmon dinner with brown rice, which works well with my diabetes. It was a very good dinner. After dinner, she showed me the proofs of her photo shoot. She's doing some amateur modeling and she's very excited about it. She should be.  She is a very, Very beautiful young woman. The proofs she showed me were outstanding!

I haven't had the best day. I'm feeling old, forgotten, unlovely, and undesirable. When I was Debra's age, I wouldn't have been anywhere near as beautiful as she is, but... but... It doesn't really matter.



I gave up my best years so my First Daughter and my Son could have something like a normal Dad.



Tonight... tonight I am feeling the loss of those years, the times when I might have been beautiful and desirable.

It hurts...

It aches...