Tuesday Morning, 7:30AM -- One week later

Today seems no different than any other day, and yet, today seems like a different universe. This time a week ago they were taking Debra in to surgery.

She is up showering this morning. She woke at 7 and did her dilation. She slept ok most of the night, but woke up with some headache pain around 4 and her bladder isn't comfortable. She feels like she needs to pee but is having trouble actually passing water. Hopefully, this will be better as the day goes on.

Today is my 59th birth day. The last year has been amazing!

A little over a year ago... <sad sigh> the divorce with my wife of 29 years was final; our love couldn't sustain us one way or another through my gender conflict. She is an amazing woman! and still my friend. Her friendship is a gift I am very, very thankful for.

In February, I became a member of the Everett United Church of Christ, an Open and Affirming congregation in Everett, Washington. It has been a pleasure to serve Poppa and The One Who Loves Me, Jesus, in worship with the rest of the congregation at this loving an wonderful church.

A year ago, I had a gender reassignment surgery, no caps because it is not the Gender Confirmation Surgery Debra just came through. A bilateral orchiectomy is considered valid for legal gender reassignment. No longer having any testosterone has made me post-menopausal pretty much the same as any woman in her late 50's.

In April, I bought a puppy, a feisty little black ball of fluff I named Xena, Warrior Princess (in training). She has been a great joy, especially once she calmed down enough to figure out she likes cuddling on my lap in the evening.

Last year, I decided I was going to get back into hiking. I found a Meetup group of people who hike at my speed [a step or two faster than a banana slug] called PNW Leisure Hiking. I wasn't able to do all the hiking I wanted to do but I had fun when I did go and thoroughly enjoy the Gryph! I hope to do more hiking this year.

But my relationship with my Daughter-In-Love, Debra is the high point of the last year-and-a-half. I must! give Poppa all the credit and Glory and Praise for bringing this young woman into my life. I have had very big holes to fill in my life. Poppa knows this. It would have been very easy for me to try to fill them with an inappropriate relationship, a relationship I really am not ready for. So Poppa brings a young woman who needed a parental figure into the life of a woman in need of someone to love in a healthy manner. Our relationship has grown so much and has been the source of great comfort, joy and laughter for both of us. Well, actually, she just loves me for my Chicken Adobo.

I don't know what Poppa has for me this next year. I hope to find work and have enough income that I don't have to live on my Dad's inheritance anymore. I also hope to receive medical benefits with any job I get. The cost of my diabetes meds are really killing me. I want to do more hiking and camping. I want to do more photography. I would like to go fishing more often. And Gender Confirmation Surgery is something I'd like to have done if I can pay for it.

As my girl sleeps

I am sitting in a hospital recliner/lounge chair watching her try to sleep. She has come through her surgery, the surgery that confirms the gender she has always been. That's why she calls it Gender Confirmation Surgery rather than some variation on "Reassignment." she had some nerves to deal with before we left. Not many or great issues but some. But she has been very calm for the most part and always composed. I'm watching her with the mix of emotions that a parent has when their child is in some pain going through a transition in their life that the child has to go through. There is fear for the unknown and fear for the pain. There are sympathetic pains, too. There is the swirling feelings of hope and concern for the child to pass this test and be stronger and more whole. I am struggling with the helplessness of not being able to do more. Of not being able to make her all better right now. Of not being able to take the pain for her. And I am so! in awe of her. She has had a serenity through all of this that I have never felt in myself and she is moving through all of this like she walks in her 4-inch heels! She hasn't missed a step! and is graceful beyond any word-picture I could try to paint.

This is so right for her! She never was a boy!

This woman who has adopted me as her mom... This woman I have adopted as my daughter! She humbles me! It is only the hand of Poppa! I want to ask what could I have done to deserve such a rich Blessing? And it feels like the Grace Poppa has given me through His Son, my Brother, Jesus. It feels that deep! that rich!

To San Mateo

We are at 30-something thousand feet in a Boeing 737 about half-way between Seattle and Sn Francisco. Debra is reading Glamour across the aisle as calm as she could be. She is very ready for this. She has been fired up to get her Gender Confirmation Surgery since she went with me to Portland when I got my orchiectomy. Tomorrow she has a pre-op appointment with Dr. Bowers and blood work to do at the hospital. She will be doing bowel prep tomorrow evening. Tuesday morning she goes in and they give her the vagina she has wanted for so long.

I am not so calm. I have lost my confidence, my faith in myself. I know that the life I live now is the life I should be living. It is right for me to be a woman, to live as one. Make me sit down and think about it and I know I'm in the right place. But there is this nagging, niggling ache of uncertainty from moment to moment. I know that some of my doubts come from my financial situation. I am not good and holding to a budget. And I _need_ to live on a budget now. The concerns about my finances change if I can find work. Especially work that pays medical benefits. But I am scared. I don't like to do job hunting. I never have. I can't take the rejection. I cannot deal well with the being told I'm not good enough.

And I simply hate my social situation! I am ok, sometimes embraced, sometimes tolerated in the community of women I hang out in. But I feel close to no one but Debra and Danielle and they have their own lives. I've never been particularly outgoing. I need to really work on meeting people and hanging out with people.

So it seems I have some clotting going on …

So it seems I have some kind of clotting going on. Whether it is old clots or new ones, they don't Know aright now. They need to find and compare some old scans. I am currently waiting to see my doctor. They may have found something new behind my knee. I am scared. I really cannot afford this. But I am more afraid to face this by myself. It makes me know how vulnerable and fragile my life is. I have my Second Daughter to fall back on for emotional and moral support. But she has her own life and challenges.

What I'll probably do is put a brave Face on things and just keep on Keeping On. I am a survivor. I always get by.

The first morning...

It was an education last night trying to be comfortable and sleep. I am using my new Big Agnus Lost Ranger sleeping bag. I bought it because it was supposed to be more roomy for a big person like me and give me the coverage and still allow me to sleep on my side. I figured it out and did ok. Should use my regular pillow though. My right shoulder got all achy during the night. I am not sure if that's because of the cold or the work I'd been doing with it or it just decided to be a pain. I need to get some ibuprofen before tonight.

When I got out of the sack [literally] this morning it was COLD! Going to the outhouse, Xena came with me. I was standing outside waiting with some of the school kids to use a toilet, and Xena did fher number one. I remarked, "It must be nice to not need a toilet to relieve yourself." I was really envying her. I hate doing the, "I've got to pee! I've got to pee!' dance.

The kids are packing up and heading out today so I will probably move my campsite to one of the ones vacated by the school. I am going into town to catch a breakfast and see if I can find some wifi. [which I obviously did]

The drive...

It's a long drive to Winthrop! And for someone trying to keep an eye open for things to take pictures of, going up through the mountains on US20 is an exciting, as in life-threatening, experience. The very scenic road twists and turns and presents all manner of beautiful opportunities to drive off the edge of the mountains! Obviously I didn't do that but I also didn't get any pictures either. There were some places I thought I might stop at on the way back. It also didn't help that I was not sure when I would be able to set up camp and I wanted to do it before sundown. And as my son knows,"It gets dark in the mountains real quick."

I checked out the campground at Early Winters. It was very disappointing. Only 20 or 30 yards from the highway and really sparse. I went back up the highway and went to the Klipchuk campground. Much quieter and suits my tastes better. There is a middle/high school group here on a trip. It will be kinda nice to not be totally alone in the campground. Odd how that makes a difference now that I'm out as a woman :-/ .
Xena was her champ best on the drive. And she wasn't too much of a "help" when I was trying to get the tent set up. The kids all love her when I take her around the campgrounds. And, as usual, she loves them all right back!

Getaway Day

I have told anyone with ears that I was going to get back into camping. I have spent a fair chunk of change and tons of time trying to be prepared to leave on a whim. I am not leaving on a whim. and I'm not going to be getting onto the road as soon as I had dreamed. I have a few things to take care of this morning before I can leave. Not the least of which is laundry. But I have thought things out reasonably well and I am comfortable with my planning.

I am planning to drive over the North Cascades Highway [US20] and camp somewhere in the Methow [MET-how] valley up stream from Winthrop, Washington. If Early Winters is still open? that will be my first choice of campgrounds. Wherever I end up, I will go into Winthrop and contact my friends so that they know where I am for their own peace of mind and know where to start looking if I don't contact them.
I plan to do some fall photography and the valley will probably be better for that than up toward the pass. But I will be taking pictures everywhere. I am hoping that I can get some fishing done, too, but that is a secondary goal. [somehow the concept of "goal" seems blasphemous for the kind of trip I have in mind.]